Friday, March 11, 2011

Fuel Prices - Do I Have to Become a Prostitute to Pay for Gas?

After a brief hiatus of not giving a fuck, I am back and ready to provide the world with the automotive content that it craves and deserves. Along with my senior news correspondent, Yuri Bonergarden, there is nothing that will stand in our way of providing car enthusiasts their daily medicine; so get ready.

I cannot fathom a more meaningful way of resuming my role than to bitch about today's gas prices, so that's exactly what I'll be doing! If you don`t like a man speakin`the trufs, please leave now.

Hopefully you guys and gals aren't surprised to learn that I've never worked at a gas station (because let's face it - only retards and immigrants work at gas stations), but our senior news correspondent, Yuri Bonergarden, has obtained some interesting information about this industry, and has been kind enough to share:

1. Most gas stations set their prices not according to how much it costs them to replace the fuel, but in correlation with their closest competitors in the area

2. If one station ups their price per gallon, the rest will follow suit and vice-versa. That's because station owners typically only make two or three cents on every gallon of gasoline sold. Instead, they make their money off of the snacks and drinks inside.

So kids, if there's one thing to take from this lesson, it's that gas stations don't have much control over the price of their fuel, but they really jew you over (pardon my political incorrectness) on the food inside the store.

Hopefully you are all as fortunate as myself, and had the foresight to purchase a fuel-efficient vehicle. If not, and you are among the portion of the population who eats through their stress, DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT, purchase your food from the gas stations. Why? 'Cause fuck 'em, that's why.

In all seriousness, however, the gas prices aren't going down anytime soon. If you're rich and don't care, I commend you on your success - but for the rest of us, public transit is becoming a more feasible option for daily commuting.

If you are planning on taking public transit to and from work, I must insist that you continue reading. People on buses staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnk, and you're going to want to get drunk before riding the bus to lower your olfactory sensitivity. Also, remember to bring your mp3 player because people on the bus tend to jibber-jabber, and it's very annoying. Last but not least, I feel inclined to recommend that bring your bike so you can minimize your time on the bus.

Obviously I'm not going to bother discussing specific gas prices, but you can check if you want to find the cheapest gas near you.

We at Das Auto! are interested in hearing how the current gas prices are affecting you! You won't win anything, but you will temporarily satisfy Yuri Bonergarden's curiosity! Have at 'er in the comments.