2012 Acura TL - It's here and it's queer; get used to it

In the ever-expanding and fast-paced auto industry, Das Auto! always tries its darnedest to provide its readers with pure, unadulterated news from the forefront of wherever the f&ck news happens these days.  Our senior news correspondent, Yuri Bonergarden, embodies himself in his work and has brought us the low-down on the new 2012 Acura TL! We at Das Auto! found his information to be worthy of a post, hence today's topic.

The first thing our news correspondent, Yuri Bonergarden, thought when he set his eyes on the 2012 model was "is this f&cking car smiling at me?"

He conveys an extremely valid point. This car looks incredibly gay, or homosexual to be more politically-acceptable. Very rarely does a car give off a "stick-your-dick-in-my-tailpipe" vibe, but the 2012 Acura TL seems to have pulled it off successfully.

With the TL's faggot-appearance sufficiently criticized, let's talk transmissions. Surprisingly, this is the only aspect of the car that Yuri found to be acceptable. He liked the fact that the six-speed automatic transmission allows "double kickdowns". I asked Yuri what this meant, and he was happy to explain it to me in his ever-professional manner. He calmly explained that a "double kickdown" is where the transmission can skip from 5th to 3rd (for example) without ever touching fourth. As he caressed the TL gently with his right hand (while playing with his nipple with his free hand), he whispered in a deep, sensual growl to me that he really liked the double kickdown feature. Needless to say, the Acura representatives wouldn't let him touch the TL after that.

Yuri guffawed at me when I asked about the TL's engine. He told me it's the same 280-horsepower 3.5-liter V-6 and 305-horsepower 3.7-liter V-6 as last year's model, and that I should shut the f&ck up and wrap up this post because I'm rambling. 

In conclusion, I have a subconscious prejudice against Honda's and Acura's when I've been drinking, and I blame said prejudices on a third party, Yuri Bonergarden (AKA the "Traveling Businessman"), who may or may not be a figment of my delusional, drunken imagination. If any Acura-lovers or homosexuals were offended by this post, feel free to sue me.